Jessica is bored.

It feels like I’m being set up. Manipulated. The Capitalistic Gaslight Machine.

I fall in line, watch all of the videos, do all of the work, communicate with all of the people, put on a smile, speak up, quiet down…

Then, I see the thin, proverbial veil hovering over each infraction. Each moment that would seemingly be an ordinary day inevitably turns into a badly painted watercolor of what should be a bouquet of flowers. I can’t put my finger on it. On them. On…this. All of this. We are born and then chucked into this world of hunger, heartache, greed, bootstraps, recession, depression.

I’m feeling good today. I’m caring about the world around me. At least the things that bring me joy. If not joy, some kind of depth. When I’m at work, I feel like a fraud. I always have some kind of wall up or at least a smile in place of an eye roll. Sometimes both. That’s usually when I’m on the brink of a psychotic break. One more person talking about coffee that they don’t drink and I will surely…come back to work the next day and do it all over again. I don’t have the energy to be myself. To be mad. It’s becoming like the show Severance and I know this isn’t real. I will wake up or start having flashing, sudden memories of a life filled with deep longing and complex ideas that office Jess would never understand. Until I slowly pull away that aforementioned veil.

This is an idea that I truly can’t express currently. Maybe more writing, reading, practicing and growing will bring me back to this post.